Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Chronicle of the Spaghetti Rapist

Back story: I met this fellow at a Renaissance Fair. Now, he seemed fairly nice and fairly normal, and we made plans for a date. Well, my rehearsal ran long and, because I was feeling a little dangerous that week, I made plans for a date at his apartment in the wee hours of the morning where he would cook me spaghetti (a cream sauce by hand). He assured me that there were people staying over from france and that he had some extra rooms, so it seemed legitimate enough to deal with and, lo and behold, it was.

Well, the date went well, the spaghetti was great, and we were chilling in his room. Now, I've dated gamers before, so I ignored the everquest posters and all other indices of social ineptitude.


We're hanging out, and he asks me if I'm seeing anyone. Always the honest one, I tell him the truth. "Yeah, a couple of people," I tell him. S.R. freaks out. "Oh, I can't take this shit anymore. I mean, I'm not looking for marriage... *grumble grumble*" I awkwardly evade the subject, and sooner or later things are back on track. THEN he pulls out the Warhammer RPG for computer and shows me the war boar he rides (who knew there was such a thing)... Aaaaaand I procede to bed (in the other room).

Now, I'm not hating on gamers. But KEEP THAT SHIT HIDDEN. Or, if you're proud about it, just understand that inside, deep down, I am losing my shit laughing at you.

So, off to bed. Enter Spaghetti Rapist, who asks me if I have everything. He then proposes that we sleep in the same bed together (no sex or anything, he assures me, it's just been a while since he'd had the chance). Well, the spaghetti was good, even despite the warhammer the date had gone well and the fella was cute so I agreed. I'm not exactly naive, but I figure the boy could use some makeouts before bed, and then I could go to sleep. I go to brush my teeth, come back and find him changing in the dark. Bad sign. The following conversation ensues:

Him: Don't Look at me!
Me: Wha... What?
Him: Stay there. Don't look at me!
Me: Oh, fuck. Goddammit. I knew this was a bad idea. This guy is going to eat my skin. Thankfully there are people that are not his close friends in the other room so if I do scream, they will come a runnin'. Okay?
Him: Just get into the bed!
Me: Oh, fuck.

So, we get into bed and he starts spooning up on me, and then takes a big sniff of me and goes "Mmm... you smell delcious." What. The. Fuck. I'm lying there shaking a) because he's going to eat my skin and b) because I am paralyzed with laughter at how absolutely ridiculous this situation is. I am being spoon raped. And smelled. Never a stranger thing has happened.

So, I give him the ol' "Right, so I'm pretty tired," desperately escape a kiss and then finally make it clear that the line between makeouts and no makeouts was crossed (really, it was crossed the moment he screamed "Don't look at me!"

So THEN, realizing he is getting none of this he gets all pouty and the following occurs:
Him: Why do you find me attractive?
Me: Oh, Goddammit I dunno. Because you're cute?
Him: Is that all?
Me: Well, you're nice?
Him: Nice enough to get me into bed with you?
Me: Well, you did make me dinner.
Him: And that lets me sleep in the same bed?
Me: Apparently.


Him: Why would you have sex with me so fast?
Me: Oh, fuck. I wouldn't have.
Him: But you made it seem like...
Me: Well, you said you didn't want any.
Him: So if I had asked you if you wanted to, you'd have said no?
Me: ... Right.
Him: (Rolls over in a huff) I HATE women.

I am now terrified. This is mad creepy. I mean, there's awkward, and then there's this. I just don't even know how to react, especially when I few minutes later he leans back, gently touches my leg (as I am shaking in fear and hilarity and desperately feigning sleep) and goes "Oh good, you exist." He then goes back to sleep. WHAT THE FUCK? I finally kicked him out, and then spent two hours lying with one eye open.

Bright and early he walks me to the subway station, passive agressively complaining that no one will touch him and that everyone changes around him. Right. I avoid the topic, and when we hit the subway I assume that this is it for good.

Then I get the messages.

heya babe,
Sorry about the other night, i just wanted to get to know you better. You're a really interesting person and i want to hear more about you, including both the Canadian woods and the runaway barnyard characters that populate them..
The fact is i just don't come across chicas like you very often and i would love to see you again. Perhaps in a more nuetral setting? A museum like the Met or MOMA or perhaps central park, its lovely with the changing of the leaves.


Is he insinuating that the fiasco occured because he wasn't into it? Let's find out.

Hi Karl,

I had a great time the other night, but I just wasn't feeling the chemistry. It also seems that you're looking for something more serious than I am, and you mentioned several times that you were rather disturbed by the fact that I am by no means monogamous. so I don't think we should see each other again.

Well, this is true, the chemistry is lacking and this is something ive found a problem with myself lately. A lack of chemistry with everyone, perhaps why im looking for something a bit different. Yes, i was a bit turned off by your polygamous lifestyle, but thats only because im struggling with the same thing myself. I saw in you what i dislike in myself.

Im a bit of a nutter and i just came back from a massive euro experience involving more then a few bottles of wine or shiny cans of beer. ive screwed and whored to a degree probably unparalleled to most people my age and im sure we could swap some good stories.

Im sorry you feel that way. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said exasperatedly to me, well, what did you expect? Thats when i took a moment to think and sent you the letter.

Again, im not looking for mariage, and im not apart from doing you in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of cheering onlookers, but im testing the waters of something i havent yet experienced, a comfortable monogamous experience. Soemthing i envy you for having had, the warm feeling of someone familiar next to you as you wake up each morning.

Um, what? Cheering onlookers? WHO ON EARTH would be into that? And how does "I'm seeing a couple of people" turn into whoring? I decide not to respond.

Listen, ill send you a message when my libido returns. We'll see how polygamous you really are, call your friends, guys or girls. :)

Um... no? I again do not respond.

Cmon, stop being so conservative, now you got my blood boiling, my heart racing. Gimme another shot. This time no well-planned dinner, no well planned anything.. Just whatever, the normal stuff i do. Bars, drinking, live music, a club or something. One of my new tenants works the bottle service at webster hall, we could go check it out on a banging night.

You gotta understand, im a fool and terribly abusive, i always try to probe out weak spots and poke them till they bleed. I'm game for fun, lets have some fun. no thinking allowed.

Terribly abusive, eh? That's a real way to win a woman. Wow. I should not have mentioned dating gamers in the past. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just going through some rather tough times. I myself have a past filled with awkward messages. Finally I respond.

Hi Karl,

I thought I was being clear when I said that I really wasn't interested in the same thing you are. It seems that you might have misinterpreted me, so I apologize for that. I'm not looking for anything right now, and I think you may have misunderstood my character. I'm firm in my decision, so I would appreciate it if you would stop sending these messages or I think we should cease all communication whatsoever.
Well, apparently I still wasn't being all that clear. Even defriending him didn't help.


Hey chica!

My libido has returned with a vengeance, and the blood sings in my veins. If you want to grab a beer in billyburg one night i'm more than game. On a slightly different note, I'm also going to be modeling for the art students league, so i could use someone to practice sitting for. Either or, life is good. Bring your paints, i have paper.


1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! It's refreshingly therapeutic to read accounts of others who've had similar experiences with these creepy types.
    Thank you for posting.