Monday, December 15, 2008

A Tale of Two Creepers

I originally posted these stories on Facebook, but they received such a good response that I thought I should share them with the rest of you.

I'm not sure why I seem to pick up creepers wherever I go. I have this feeling that my level of friendliness (aquired in the forest with the happy woodland creatures) is inappropriate in the big wide world of New York.

First Creeper: Creepy Russian Guy

Dear Creepy Russian Guy,

This is why you're blocked.

First, some back story. I was sitting out in front of Lerner with Claudia and Irina, and a series of events caused us to meet two grad students. I was having a lovely conversation with the Russian one from BU, so when he asked if I'd like to accompany him on a walk, I was quite happy to do so. We chatted Russian lit and translation for a bit, and then parted ways. First, though, he quoted me a poem and asked me to dinner, but I declined gracefully as he was a bit odd and told him to just "look me up on facebook or something." The following ensued.

September 6 at 4:49pm
Dear fair lady, please accept my query of friendship. Practicing my own freedom of speech I have written many lovely poems for the notes on my profile.

I did not.

September 9 at 12:14am
What was it that Augustine said about faith?

Some good thing for nothing,
Some thing for everyone:
God, is this above you?
From what you say it's not.

A little bit of patience,
A bit of self-control:
Man, is this so painful?
From what you say, you're strong.

Some good cause for panic,
A reason to feel through.
Poet. Can't you take it?
From what you say, you should.

A touch of understanding,
A little less disdain:
Woman, can't you spare it?
Is "yes" so hard to say?

Yes, it was.

Side Note: The fact that this poem, which he quoted to me as his favourite poem in person when we first met, was his makes it even creepier.

September 9 at 11:55pm
You are such an interesting person. A few days ago in your picture you were looking down and to the left; now - up and to the right. And I didn't at all get the impression of someone who is intentionally aloof when we met.

Why don't we meet again? you know, instead of this lovely monologue of mine.


We did not. I then ran across him loitering on the corner of 113th and Broadway and feigned ignorance.

September 13 at 8:04am
Hi lady, I propose that we go and nullify our brains at the movies this weekend.

My Reply
September 14 at 11:34pm


I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm really not looking for anything right now romantically or platonically. I'm in the middle of a difficult breakup and very busy right now. Again, sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, and I hope you have a good semester in new york.


September 19 at 9:53pm
Oh yes, no worries. But check out my notes, you should. It's by far the best part of knowing me. See you around.

End Conversation.

All was fine and dandy then, except for the fact that I continued to see you everywhere, which gave me the impression that you were not only Facebook stalking me. Also, you gave me nightmares, in which I frantically searched for people to walk me home because you were out there waiting for me.

Then, two days ago I get a message. No subject, just a random "Hello." It freaked me out. I defriended you, because I was content with THINKING you were creeping me, but knowing that I still existed in your consciousness freaked me out a lot.

THEN I get a message asking me why I did "such an unreasonable thing."

These things, Ilya Gutner, are why I did such an unreasonable thing. It all boils down to a very legitimate reason. YOU ARE A CREEPER.

Now, why couldn't I have said this to your face?


Creeper #2: The Spaghetti Rapist

People seem to have liked my story about the Creepy Russian Guy, so I thought I'd post the Spaghetti Rapist story. Spaghetti Rapist (aka Brooklyn Guy) is the pièce de résistance of creepers and a story I simply must share.

NB: He is not actually a rapist, unless you count unsolicited spooning, in which case I am also a rapist. But I don't spoon strangers!

Back story: I met this fellow at a Renaissance Fair. Now, he seemed fairly nice and fairly normal, and we made plans for a date. Well, my rehearsal ran long and, because I was feeling a little dangerous that week, I made plans for a date at his apartment in the wee hours of the morning where he would cook me spaghetti (a cream sauce by hand). He assured me that there were people staying over from france and that he had some extra rooms, so it seemed legitimate enough to deal with and, lo and behold, it was.

Well, the date went well, the spaghetti was great, and we were chilling in his room. Now, I've dated gamers before, so I ignored the everquest posters and all other indices of social ineptitude.


We're hanging out, and he asks me if I'm seeing anyone. Always the honest one, I tell him the truth. "Yeah, a couple of people," I tell him. S.R. freaks out. "Oh, I can't take this shit anymore. I mean, I'm not looking for marriage... *grumble grumble*" I awkwardly evade the subject, and sooner or later things are back on track. THEN he pulls out the Warhammer RPG for computer and shows me the war boar he rides (who knew there was such a thing)... Aaaaaand I procede to bed (in the other room).

Now, I'm not hating on gamers. But KEEP THAT SHIT HIDDEN. Or, if you're proud about it, just understand that inside, deep down, I am losing my shit laughing at you.

So, off to bed. Enter Spaghetti Rapist, who asks me if I have everything. He then proposes that we sleep in the same bed together (no sex or anything, he assures me, it's just been a while since he'd had the chance). Well, the spaghetti was good, even despite the warhammer the date had gone well and the fella was cute so I agreed. I'm not exactly naive, but I figure the boy could use some makeouts before bed, and then I could go to sleep. I go to brush my teeth, come back and find him changing in the dark. Bad sign. The following conversation ensues:

Him: Don't Look at me!
Me: Wha... What?
Him: Stay there. Don't look at me!
Oh, fuck. Goddammit. I knew this was a bad idea. This guy is going to eat my skin. Thankfully there are people that are not his close friends in the other room so if I do scream, they will come a runnin'. Okay?
Him: Just get into the bed!
Oh, fuck.

So, we get into bed and he starts spooning up on me, and then takes a big sniff of me and goes "Mmm... you smell delcious." What. The. Fuck. I'm lying there shaking a) because he's going to eat my skin and b) because I am paralyzed with laughter at how absolutely ridiculous this situation is. I am being spoon raped. And smelled. Never a stranger thing has happened.

So, I give him the ol' "Right, so I'm pretty tired," desperately escape a kiss and then finally make it clear that the line between makeouts and no makeouts was crossed (really, it was crossed the moment he screamed "Don't look at me!"

So THEN, realizing he is getting none of this he gets all pouty and the following occurs:
Him: Why do you find me attractive?
Oh, Goddammit I dunno. Because you're cute?
Him: Is that all?
Me: Well, you're nice?
Him: Nice enough to get me into bed with you?
Me: Well, you did make me dinner.
Him: And that lets me sleep in the same bed?
Me: Apparently.


Him: Why would you have sex with me so fast?
Oh, fuck. I wouldn't have.
Him: But you made it seem like...
Me: Well, you said you didn't want any.
Him: So if I had asked you if you wanted to, you'd have said no?
Me: ... Right.
Him: (Rolls over in a huff) I HATE women.

I am now terrified. This is mad creepy. I mean, there's awkward, and then there's this. I just don't even know how to react, especially when I few minutes later he leans back, gently touches my leg (as I am shaking in fear and hilarity and desperately feigning sleep) and goes "Oh good, you exist." He then goes back to sleep. WHAT THE FUCK? I finally kicked him out, and then spent two hours lying with one eye open.

Bright and early he walks me to the subway station, passive agressively complaining that no one will touch him and that everyone changes around him. Right. I avoid the topic, and when we hit the subway I assume that this is it for good.

Then I get the messages.

heya babe,
Sorry about the other night, i just wanted to get to know you better. You're a really interesting person and i want to hear more about you, including both the Canadian woods and the runaway barnyard characters that populate them..
The fact is i just don't come across chicas like you very often and i would love to see you again. Perhaps in a more nuetral setting? A museum like the Met or MOMA or perhaps central park, its lovely with the changing of the leaves.


Is he insinuating that the fiasco occured because he wasn't into it? Let's find out.

Hi Karl,

I had a great time the other night, but I just wasn't feeling the chemistry. It also seems that you're looking for something more serious than I am, and you mentioned several times that you were rather disturbed by the fact that I am by no means monogamous. so I don't think we should see each other again.

Well, this is true, the chemistry is lacking and this is something ive found a problem with myself lately. A lack of chemistry with everyone, perhaps why im looking for something a bit different. Yes, i was a bit turned off by your polygamous lifestyle, but thats only because im struggling with the same thing myself. I saw in you what i dislike in myself.

Im a bit of a nutter and i just came back from a massive euro experience involving more then a few bottles of wine or shiny cans of beer. ive screwed and whored to a degree probably unparalleled to most people my age and im sure we could swap some good stories.

Im sorry you feel that way. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said exasperatedly to me, well, what did you expect? Thats when i took a moment to think and sent you the letter.

Again, im not looking for mariage, and im not apart from doing you in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of cheering onlookers, but im testing the waters of something i havent yet experienced, a comfortable monogamous experience. Soemthing i envy you for having had, the warm feeling of someone familiar next to you as you wake up each morning.

Um, what? Cheering onlookers? WHO ON EARTH would be into that? And how does "I'm seeing a couple of people" turn into whoring? I decide not to respond.

Listen, ill send you a message when my libido returns. We'll see how polygamous you really are, call your friends, guys or girls. :)

Um... no? I again do not respond.

Cmon, stop being so conservative, now you got my blood boiling, my heart racing. Gimme another shot. This time no well-planned dinner, no well planned anything.. Just whatever, the normal stuff i do. Bars, drinking, live music, a club or something. One of my new tenants works the bottle service at webster hall, we could go check it out on a banging night.

You gotta understand, im a fool and terribly abusive, i always try to probe out weak spots and poke them till they bleed. I'm game for fun, lets have some fun. no thinking allowed.

Terribly abusive, eh? That's a real way to win a woman. Wow. I should not have mentioned dating gamers in the past. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just going through some rather tough times. I myself have a past filled with awkward messages. Finally I respond.

Hi Karl,

I thought I was being clear when I said that I really wasn't interested in the same thing you are. It seems that you might have misinterpreted me, so I apologize for that. I'm not looking for anything right now, and I think you may have misunderstood my character. I'm firm in my decision, so I would appreciate it if you would stop sending these messages or I think we should cease all communication whatsoever.

End Conversation

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